I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. And it sucks. I have been feeling really overwhelmed with myself and all of the things I want to do in my life. I feel like the things I want to do are so big (big to me) that if I really want to do them I am going to have to do a lot more than I already have been. And I need to just make them happen instead of waiting and thinking that “someday I will have a career and a house and I will be able to afford to do those things and it will all just happen naturally”. Because that is just wishful thinking. If I want to do something big than I am going to have to give it my all. My two biggest passions in life are to make the world a better place for people living with disabilities, and to help fight sex-trafficking.
But sometimes I don’t know what my all is. I have been feeling kind of depressed for the past few days and it has been hard. I don’t really know why I have been feeling like this (and yes…even with depression, there are things that trigger it or things that I ruminate about that I know was the start of my sadness.)
Sometimes I am sad because I think about all of the messed up things that go on in the world and I become blind to the good. And when I go through a breakup, it not only hurts like a breakup can hurt for people without depression, it hurts so bad that I am blind and numb to everything good.
When my extremely good friend, Whitney, committed suicide at the age of 21, it became hard for me to go to bars or parties or any places like that…any places where people take advantage of others. Places where they kick you when you are down, use and abuse you, and pretend like it is all fun and games.
I watched people take advantage of Whitney. She struggled with an addiction to alcohol. She tried to get away and stay away from it…but it is hard when it seems like all of your friends around you are always doing it.It was hard for her because the people she was surrounded by took advantage of her. They didn’t say “Hey, Whit, let’s go watch a movie” or “let’s go get something to eat” or “Let’s go to an AA meeting, i’ll go with you because I know it is a big part of your life and very important to you.” I went to AA meetings with her because I cared about her and I wanted her to be happy. She was the kind of person that you feel lucky to have in your life. She was genuine to the her very core. She didn’t judge others and she was always open to meeting new people and always down for a good time. It felt good to be around her.
Despite what an amazingly good person Whitney was, she was one of the unlucky people to have been hit with the addiction gene.
In the DSM, depression and addiction are considered “disorders”. And society doesn’t completely understand nor accept “disorders”. But “diseases”, on the other hand, are widely accepted.
But “disorders” are “diseases” …and just like cancer can kill you, depression, bipolar, and so many others can kill you as well. They are diseases that kill you by making you kill yourself. They are diseases that slowly take over your mind and cause you so much distress that you would do anything to just escape.
Or in my friend Jordan’s case, Schizophrenia, at the age of 21, made him think that if he jumped off the eleventh floor of a building, he would go to another dimension where he would be able to save the world. Schizophrenia made him jump out of a building. Schizophrenia killed him.
I guess I am a little off track, as always when I write…but this is just what came out when I decided I felt like writing.
I am no where near suicidal…so please don’t take any of this as something to be worried about. This is just me sharing my thoughts. I have actually been doing really good lately. I have kept myself busy. When I am busy doing things that are productive, things that cause me to move forward in life, and when I am doing things to help others, I feel good. But if I have too much time to think…or even when I sleep in, the depression will slowly begin to creep into my mind and consume me. And if it does overshadow my happiness…I just have to let it pass. I have to just allow myself to completely feel it, cry, think, ruminate, listen to sad songs. I am unable to just “snap out of it”. And the only way to escape from it at all is to go to sleep. I make myself go to sleep and wish I could just sleep forever and have it be socially acceptable. But since I know that sleeping forever is not an option, I sleep for as long as I can get away with before feeling too pathetic to the people around me, I then wake up and figure out what I need to do to get out of the this funk. I might try making myself eat, even when I have absolutely no appetite at all and couldn’t care less about food. I might take a shower and then stare into the mirror for what feels like an hour as I try and figure out who I even am, or I might force myself to get out of the house, go get a coffee (Coffee is always gives me that little bit of happiness, excitement and motivation I need in order to get out of the house). Or I go visit or call someone that I feel, at that very moment, can help me me find the strength to hold my head up and get back out there. (I am lucky to have so many amazingly grounded, caring, compassionate and loving people in my life that truly want to be there for me.)
soooooo why did I write this? I don’t really know. But I write stuff like this all the time…and I am now going to share it. Because honesty is one of the most important things to me in this world. Honesty helps others to not feel like they are crazy or feel like something is wrong with them.
2 thoughts on “I don’t even know what to name this…it is all over the place…”
Thankyou for posting something like that. I really cannot tell you how hard it is to find someone who isn’t suffering from addiction who has any empathy towards it, let alone has accompanied someone to a meeting or consider it a disease. Most people seem to think that you can just walk away. If only it was that easy..
I have a dual diagnosis.. sometimes more like a quad diagnosis but I am a fully fledge heroin/meth addict who has been on and off in my recovery for years now. Currently clean for a few months with the support of Suboxone.As a kid ADHD was my first diagnosis. At 16 (and my first inpatient treatment center) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder PTSD and Anxiety. Whitney was actually the first person I ever got drunk with And though it had been years since I had spoken to her it was devastating to hear what happened, she didn’t deserve to suffer..
the DSM IV has (from what I have read) finally considered addiction a disease. A book shouldn’t have to tell people that though.. but only someone truly suffering from this disease can understand. And the guilt that eats you up from the decisions you made cause your sick kills me. When I was pregnant with my son I was homeless. Also I had been on methadone maintainence treatment for a year prior to finding out I was pregnant and had a year clean off all opiates. I stayed clean at first but when I lost my place to live out of nowhere do to horrible situation I don’t even want to remember, doing returns and panhandling for money to pay motel rooms so my oldest child was safe, and off my psych meds, then cps got involved.. I completely lost my mind and relapsed on meth for a couple months until I went to treatment at Swedish hospital. It saved my life.had I not gone I can’t evenbegin to imagine what would have happened. i remember crying so many times arguing in my own head wondering why I felt this horrible compulsion to use. Made. E think of the angel and devil on your shoulders from cartoons. I would tell myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it.. I had two perfect reasons not to 1 child and pregnant! Wtf is wrong with me shouldn’t that be more then enough? But the devil won. And next thing I knew I was smoking and shooting y life away. I got clean though and didn’t lose my kids. Most importantly I got on my meds again and I felt so much clearer. My babies are all I focus on so I can stay busy and productive. But now I’m in a downward slump. I’m clean still but been off my meds for too long now. I’m manic and can’t sleep. Irritable and htd being home but cleaving the house is just too stressful. So many things run through my head yet nothing gets done. I feel so accomplished for just cleaning the kitchen. Yet the rest of my life is slowly going to shit. I know this pattern though and if I don’t get my head in check the devil is going to over power the angel and hell will erupt. I made an appt at greater lakes for Monday to get back in. I can’t fall back into my sick ways. I can’t destroy the little angels of mine who need me and show me unconditional love more then I can ever deserve. Thankyou for your honesty. Reading that I’m not alone even if your story is different from someone outside my life but isn’t a doctor is very comforting. No matter the difference everyone has a story and a struggle. Your so open and honest about your life . Mine just hides too much guilt and secrets.
I am so sorry to read about your struggles! I wish there was something I could do to help…I know you have the strength inside of you to overcome this hard time you are going through. I know it is such a battle and it is so draining. but I know you can make it through it. Have you ever tried to be a mentor to others that are going through similar hard times? That is what gives me the most strength. it gives you motivation and helps you feel like it is all worth the pain.