October 9th, 2012
Sometimes I get really confused. I think that maybe I am not doing enough. I wonder where I am going to be in the next five years. Am I holding back? I don’t really go out that much. I don’t talk on the phone that much. I don’t really know what I want.
I still feel held back by my wheelchair. From being me. Or who I want to be…whoever that may be. But then I try to tell myself that the only thing holding me back is myself.
I have been feeling a lot stronger lately. I really think the aqua therapy is helping a lot! It is getting easier to lift my legs in all directions…and I am pretty sure I have been able to flex my butt cheeks a little lately! haha
I wish I could go back and start over with this whole accident. I miss the newness of it all. I miss the unknown feelings and the intense fear I used to feel. I don’t like this plateau that I feel like I am on now. I don’t like how things have slowed down and how normal this is beginning to feel. It’s almost like I am scared that I am going to stop right where I am…with the old me far in the past…and the me I was hoping to be slowly fading away as well. It feels like I have been trying for so long to get to where I want to be.
I know I can get there. I just need to stop holding back! Because I know that I can do whatever I want to do…that is the truth…but you have to have the energy and drive to go get it. And when I get down on the world…I am far from having the energy that I need to do it!
I am going to keep my head up! No more naps! Productive all day is what I have to be. I have to go into everything that I do giving it my all. No more regrets. No more coulda woulda thoughts. Those only bring me down and I don’t have time to go down.
I remind myself a lot that I am here, that I came here, to the University of Illinois… for a reason. So why am I not going straight for what I want? I know I could get it! Am I really going to just go through the motions, feeling sorry for myself while making up excuses about how tired I am?
It is hard. that is true. But that is why I am here. I want it to be hard. I want to overcome it. I want to make my life better and the only way to do that is to face the challenges. And the harder the challenges…the bigger the rewards.
I just need to find peace in myself and in this world…things will work out. I just have to keep positive and keep moving forward.