January 1, 2012
I am on my flight back to school in Illinois after winter break. I am going to try writing to hopefully help me in any way it can. I can’t help but feel completely scared out of my mind. I have no idea what I am doing and I have no idea how I am doing it or how I am going to do it. I am freaked out.
Today is the first day I have finally given in and made the decision to start taking depression medication. My dad, my best friend Courtney, my sister Kelci, my niece Tay and I picked up my prescription on the way to the airport to drop me off.
I have so much support backing me up…this morning all four of my best friends surprised me by showing up at my house to say goodbye! I don’t think I could ask for a better support system. My friends and family are amazing! They mean so much to me and I would do anything to let them know that.
…Yet I feel so trapped…I feel like there is something so big and heavy holding me back from the things I want so badly…
Lately I have been so incredibly desperate to find the answer to this problem! What is it that is holding me back from being the person that I know I am and want to be???!! Why don’t I believe in myself and yet all of these people around me do!??
Please give me the strength to be who I am deep within! Please take this weight off my shoulders for it is truly unbearable! I want peace. I want confidence. I want joy. I want to let go of the past and maybe even the future. I just want to live in the moment. Like in the game…I want to be completely focused and involved in exactly what I am doing at that moment and allow myself to instinctively know and make the next move. Instinctively and with passion…
I know that I can do this! I know that what I want is attainable… But that is almost the hardest part. Knowing that what I want is right in front of me-that I already have it in my grasp-yet I am unable to hold onto it.
I have to let this anger go. I can’t walk anymore. It doesn’t mean that I can’t live anymore. And in all honesty, I only really started feeling alive after the accident happened 3 years ago…
Ever since I have lost the ability to walk I have found the true, amazingly loving friends and family. I have found my inner strength and I have found greater things in life-the things that are all around us but we are in too much of a hurry to see and feel them.
I am no longer going to fight or force this writing. for three years I have had this voice in the back of my mind constantly haunting me because I was not listening to it. It was telling me to write every day…all day it would tell me the same thing. It would also tell me all of the other things that I needed and need to do in order to better my life. Yet so often I would ignore it. And I don’t know why. But it was like the more I believed that I needed to do the things that it was saying…the more I ran away from it. I wanted to escape this journey I have been guided towards.
I don’t think I could feel any more alone as I do on this plane right now. I am…for the second time…leaving everything I know. All of my friends and family I have had my whole life. My sweet, amazing dog Keela has slept by my side for five years. She has never once let me be sad alone. My dad, who has also never left my side…we became close at the end of my junior year and he has given me so much wisdom, strength and guidance. I truly do not think I could do any of this without him. My sisters, my mom, my best friends, I have had to leave them all. It is scary, it is lonely, and it is even harder with depression…but it is also important that I do this.