You guys, my mind is seriously one of the hardest things to deal with. There are so many days where my mind just hurts me over and over again…all day long. All day long I put myself down by asking things like “what makes you think you you are anything?” “you really aren’t that great.” ” Look at all these people around you, so successful and talented and confident. You are far from them.” “You are just annoying and stupid. You never do what you say you are going to do. You make all these promises and believe so much in your future and who is to say you are even going to make it? You haven’t even made it anywhere yet, really. Your job is just starting, you are still in training, how do you know you can even contribute to this company. Who is to say they are even going to think you are important enough to stay keep you in the long-run. You are not a certified ATP yet and that is going to take up to a year or more. You have to work extremely hard until then and show them that having you there is worth it….
okay, I am getting tired of talking in the third person 😛
I feel like my life is so out of control right now. It feels like so many good things are happening, or might happen, and yet at the same time, it feels like they could all be ripped away in an instant, like it is all going to come crumbling down
I know that it is also a transition and I just have to work hard and stay focused and everything will be good.
I think I tend to downplay, in my mind, everything I ever do. I struggle to see things the way they really are…or really I am just struggling to believe that things really are good.
I don’t know how to explain it all…but what I do know is that I did everything I could this last week and weekend to stay busy, stay positive, get rest when I needed it but not sleep all the time, I made new friends and hung-out with them…and I had fun…yet the depression still took over me.
I met a marine during Saturday’s Crossfit class when he came over to do some burpees with my partner and I at the end of the workout to support us while we finished. He was really polite and it was obvious to me that he has had some crazy experiences and was still so well put together and working to stay positive. We exchanged numbers in the parking lot and said we should hangout sometime…then we started joking about it being Cinco de Mayo and that we should do something crazy, he said “you gotta seize the day” and it right away made me think about my good friend Whitney, whom killed herself 6 years ago, but whom was also all about “seizing the day” and had a tattoo of the words “Carpe Diem”. Hearing those words made me think deeper for a second and kind of woke me up to wanting to try a little harder to be that fun and outgoing person that I want to be and feel.
I was supposed to be going to a festival with my roommate after the workout class (I asked her if I could go with her the night before because I wanted to keep making the effort to stay busy and positive, but at the same time I knew I would want to just go home and sleep when the time came. I chose not to stay up late the night before because I wanted to show up to the workout class and stay committed and focused to whatever plan I have going on in my life right now.
But to stay focused I have to make sure that I keep showing up and allowing myself to have good experiences and good times…I have to constantly work to keep those thoughts of going home and curling up in my bed at bay I have to convince myself that going and hanging out with people would feel better than going home, curling up in my bed and sleeping for the rest of the day. I have to convince myself that I have the energy to even do whatever it is in the first place.
As miserable as it sounds to hear me talking about depression all the time…I also try my best to be thankful for my struggles because they are the things that make me stronger. The struggles are the things that make me feel deeper and see things in ways that you only get to see if you go through some shit and come out of it on top of anything that was ever tying to bring you down. The thing that keeps me so motivated is my depression. My depression makes me work my ass off.
Depression makes me work towards my goals.
Because of my depression, I get to feel lots and lots of victories in my life. Every time I go through a depressive spell…I survive and I feel so thankful and blessed and strong…and I would never get those feelings if I didn’t have to work hard the way that I do.
I struggle, yes. I can talk very negatively at times (never angry…just sad), I can sound like I am going to give up…but I never do. I can’t and I won’t.
None of this is new you guys…This is just me sharing “a little” more about my struggles when they are actually happening. (If you think any of this is bad…just wait until I share some more of my writings about depression from the past 😛
I have struggled HARD before I tried anti-depressants, I have struggled HARD while on anti-depressants and I still struggle after the anti-depressants.
Yes, I might try another kind of anti-depressant if that it what it comes down to. But right now, I am trying to go a more natural route…and that takes time. It takes time for these anti-depressants to be completely out of my system to where I can even see the positive changes happening.
But right now, natural is what I am trying because I want to. I have been on some kind of medication since I was 12 or 13, whether it be acne medication, birth control, pain medications, anti-depressants, etc…I don’t know what my body is even like on its own.
And that is the only reason I am trying to go without anti-depressants. Because being on them was not helping me to live the life I want to live. Despite the help they did give me…I still had too much going on in my mind. My goal is and has always been that I want to feel a little more peace and confidence within myself.
But back to Saturday…the plans to go to the festival that afternoon ended up not working out and my mind, right away, went back to thinking about going home and curling up in my bed and going to sleep for the rest of the day. But I shook that feeling and decided to text the marine friend I just made and see if he wanted to “seize the day”. He invited me over for what he called “some bomb ass chicken” (it was really bomb). Annnd I went over and hung-out with him. It was an awesome experience because he really has a lot to teach people about being strong and staying focused.
He was sooooo smart and had so many life experiences to share. I learned a lot and I felt really good with my decision to put myself out there and to force myself to stick with it.
I then went to my roommates sailboat to say hi and hangout for a little bit (I was trying to not go home and go to sleep). I felt so tired though. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap on the sailboat while my roommates went to their yacht club for the Cinco de Mayo celebration. I woke up around 7:30pm and was once again going to just drive home and go back to sleep for the rest of the Saturday night. But I convinced myself to just stop by the yacht club and say hi and bye to my roommates before heading home.
But then, my roommates convinced me to stay longer at the yacht club, I ended up getting to know another cool guy named Andy (the guy my roommates were initially trying to set me up with when I wrote that one post about feeling insecure at the yacht club when I first moved here) welllllll I got to finally meet this guy and get to know him…and I think we are going to be really good friends 🙂 He is so much different than I had presumed him to be. I see him as a friend, but I feel very thankful to have gotten to know him because it helped me to shatter the insecurity I had about myself while I was there and felt out of place. We talked a lot and even went on a crazy boat ride in the middle of the night. I had a lot of fun. But then Sunday…it didn’t matter that I had been staying away from my bed all those days, it didn’t matter that I had been doing everything to get out and do things and meet people and not allow myself to hide away and let the depression eat me alive. I went out and did things. And I had fun. But yet…Sunday’s first nap comes around and the depression takes over me…but this time it hit me HARD…it hit me harder than it has in a long time.
I think it hit me this hard because I tried so hard and nothing I do seems to make it better. Sometimes I let the idea that this depression really, truly, might always be there. take over me and kind of crush my spirit for a second. (It only crushes it for a second because…the logical part of me knows that there is a good chance it will always be there, but the logical me also knows that I can still make it better) I know I can get stronger and rise above it enough to keep it at bay. I’m just not there yet. But i will be. I am going to keep my mind focused and I am going to dig deep and find the motivation that I need.
It just takes time. And faith. And strength and hard work.
And I am doing my best. I can see the good. I believe in my future. And I believe in myself.
Sunday…I ended up getting the strength to get up and start making things happen.
There were those same negative words going on in my head “You are a mess! You will never make it! You are fake. You never do what you say you will do.”
And after crying for a bit…I fell asleep and woke up feeling pretty dead inside, empty and alone and exhausted. But I knew I had to find a way to get some strength back.
I finally figured out what I need to do and was going to do. And I went and did it 🙂
I am making Danny (the 3-legged dog) a GoFundMe to get a wheelchair. It’s an idea I had a while ago and have been talking about for three weeks now but haven’t actually done it. texted my new friend, Andy, and asked him if he and his daughter could help me get the measurements and the pictures I need to send in to get his wheelchair made and the price quoted. I also got their help to get some videos and pictures of him for the GoFundMe 🙂
I am now just waiting to get a finalized quote and then I will finally finish the GoFundMe and get this wheelchair for him so that he can go on walks and go as far as he little back legs will take him 🙂
Ohhh and another thing, today while I was at work, Alana Nichols, texted me and asked if I wanted to go surfing with her now that we are both living in California 🙂
Alana was my first role (roll) model after my accident when I watched her youtube videos online of the winter Paralympics Sit-Skiing ❤ I did a presentation on her during one of my classes in college 🙂 I was so proud to have someone like her to look up to 🙂 She was the first person that helped me to see that I really can turn this accident into something badass ❤
Life is full of waves…and you just gotta ride them out 😛 haha (did you see what I did there?? 😉
annnnd despite the strong feelings trying to bring me down, I went to work today and stayed focused and after I went straight to Crossfit 🙂 our University of Illinois Wheelchair Basketball Team’s saying when I was there was “Show Up” and that is exactly what I am trying to do 🙂