July 25th, 2016
I have depression…I will probably always have depression. But I am also a very positive, outgoing and happy person. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own body…I find myself thinking about how unfair it is that I have to suffer in so much pain…when the depression hits me…I feel like I have no chance at all.
I will go from feeling so strong and like I can do anything…to slowly but surely losing all of the strength that I have within me, feeling hopeless and as if I know nothing but pain and sadness. I feel like I can’t do it anymore…I feel like the world is full of suffering and it will never end. I feel everyone’s pain around me and all of the pain I have ever experienced in my life…all at once. I see people taking advantage of one another…using and abusing each other…being selfish and heartless…living in lust and greed.
I feel scared of getting close to someone because I fear that I won’t be able to handle the heartbreak when they leave me…when they decide that I am not good enough and they want someone else.
I have realized something very personal and hard for me to face…You know the saying “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”? well…I have realized that I don’t love myself…I can’t get myself to understand why someone would love me and would only want me. I don’t think I am good enough…and I know this is because of the lies that society tells us. I know that I don’t want to let those lies overcome me and that I will do everything I can to fight against them. I know that from the very beginning of this accident…I told myself that the only way I was ever going to heal, if I were ever going to walk again…I needed to learn everything that there was to learn from this accident…I needed to learn to love myself for who I am and not care what my body looks like…what I can’t do, or what anyone else thinks about me. The only thing that should matter is that I am a good person.
I knew that if I were ever given the chance to take a pill and get everything back overnight…I would not take it. And that is 100% the truth. I know that no matter the pain that I feel…no matter the obstacles and the hardships that come my way…I know that I want to be a stronger person and a better person. I want to not care about the materialistic things of the world and I want to be completely and utterly happy with just the goodness of my soul, not needing anything else.
I have always believed that this accident happened for a reason…and in my search for that one reason…I have found a thousand miracles that have changed my life in so many ways. And I feel so incredibly passionate about sharing my journey with you…because…despite the pain I feel at times…I feel incredibly blessed to be on this journey…
I believe that my depression is a blessing in a crazy disguise. Because of it…I sometimes feel like there is no way I can go on…I feel desperate for help…and it is in those moments of weakness…when I am so fragile and vulnerable that I am able to recognize and completely feel the love of others, whom I view as my guardian angels…when they cross my path…lift me up and encourage me to keep going. I get to meet those people everyday and they have no idea what they have done for me or how much they mean to me. there have been so many people in my life that have truly saved me in so many ways. And for them I am eternally grateful. they fill me with love every single day and they are the ones that keep me going and keep me believing in the greater good of the world.
And it is because of you that I feel the need to finally start this blog. I want to share my life with you. I have been living in fear of being who I am and expressing myself. I have been scared of sharing more of my life with so many people…yet at the same time I feel deep down that I want to so badly. And everyday that I don’t…I only continue to hold myself back from embracing the life that I have been given to its fullest extent. Soooooooooo….hopefully here it begins…