Just reminding myself why

February 22, 2015

I got back from the training camp yesterday…it went okay. I let things get in my head…like the fear that I may not make the final cut…and I did not play all that well. It caused me to feel pretty down on myself and have to find a way to get out of that feeling and keep pushing myself forward. I have no choice but to give it my all…and to not give up. This is the number one thing I have been working towards since my accident.

After that accident six years ago, I felt so much regret…it was such a horrible feeling…it was crazy sadness, frustration and anger at myself that I did not push myself harder when I had all the opportunities in the world to be anything I wanted to be…to play any sport I wanted to play….but I never thought I was good enough…and I put a lot of pressure on myself thinking that I had to be perfect…and so I pretended like I didn’t care and I goofed off and held myself back from being the athlete that I knew I could be. But this did not make me happy. I always felt bad inside, and scared. I was always living in fear that other people would think that I suck or be expecting me to be something I wasn’t. And that did not feel good. But I thought I had all the time in the world to figure it all out. I didn’t realize that there was a deadline for me to get it together and appreciate what I had. I didn’t know that everything was going to be taken away from me when I was 18.

But I am thankful that the accident did happen to me. Especially when I was 18. The way I see it is that most people do not realize what they have until they are way older…when they look back…and wish they would have known what they had when they had it…but they don’t get a second chance at those things. They, of course, can still make their life better and find peace within…but they cannot go back to those days and change things. They can’t go back to the days where they didn’t appreciate or even recognize their talents, abilities, and opportunities that were in front of them. And they feel regret.

But I got to be 18 when I felt that regret. When I realized what I had and what exactly I had lost. When I opened my eyes to see the world in a whole new light. When I made the decision that I did not want to ever feel that regret again and that I was going to do everything I could to overcome it. Because there was no way I could live with it for the rest of my life.

I had no choice but to make my life better.

When I was able-bodied…I was running around in circles trying to figure out what I wanted…I had so many options to choose from…I could do anything I wanted to do…I could become a professional soccer player…a dancer…whatever existed…and if I chose to slack off and take it all for granted…I could always do a hard labor job…or work at McDonalds…I just felt like it was all okay because I would always get by….and I would eventually figure it out.

But when this accident happened…I only had two choices…I could either lay on the couch for the rest of my life, feeling sorry for myself, living in complete sadness and anger….or I could fight to make my life better…and not stop fighting until I got to where I wanted to be.

I had no choice…that sadness I felt made me wish I was dead…but since I wasn’t going to die anytime soon…I knew I had to find a way to get out of it because there was no way I could live like that for the rest of my life.

So I started fighting to be happy. I started with the motto “fake it til you make it” and I forced myself to live…I pretended I was happy…and I put myself out there. I forced myself to do things…things that “normal people” would do…things that I knew I would want to do if I cared about living.

I had to re-learn how to care about things. Because I did not care about anything. I didn’t care if I was cold, I didn’t care if I was thirsty…or if I ever did anything “fun” ever again. Nothing mattered to me anymore. That sadness was so painful…I became numb. Not caring was the only way to make it stop hurting. So I distanced myself from reality.

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