June 15, 2009

I want everything…and nothing at the same time.

I have never felt as alone as I do right now…and I did yesterday…and the day before…

It’s almost as if I am unable to care about anything anymore. I am the same in every way, every moment. Monotonously getting by.


I go do things…I try to do what I think I would want to do if I cared. Yet I do not care. Yet I do things. I laugh and I smile and I joke…but I am not happy. I am sad.


I am alone…because I am the only one that truly knows how sad I really am. Others may think they understand…but they know only what they can know.


They have no idea. They have no idea how it feels. They have no idea what I feel…They have no idea what I see.


I see pain. I see heartbreak. I see sadness.

My world can get very dark at times.


And when it is dark…everything is dark…my memories are dark. I begin to wonder if I was ever happy.


I wonder if when I was laughing just earlier that day…If I really wanted to laugh…or if I was just doing it…because that is what you are supposed to do.

I have a planner. I have had it for a year. I planned on planning things…I planned on taking charge of my life. I planned on not being such a flake anymore. I planned on keeping my promises to people…I planned on keeping promises to myself…yet the plan to use it only began a month ago.


I planned all these doctors appointments, physical therapy appointments, school appointments, natural therapy appointments…I got excited…I felt pumped up for those few days of excitement. I felt excited…I felt strong…good, motivated and beautiful…then… it all came crashing down. With one nap…one tired day…The darkness came over me. And consumed me for two and a half days.  But hey…it’s getting better.


It may seem like I am sad all the time…but I fight it…I really fight it. It’s a fight you cannot see. You can only feel. This darkness is like a very powerful force constantly trying to push into me and trying to knock me down. It slowly seeps over me, sucking the strength right out of me. The mind is such a powerful and mysterious thing.


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